Lost in Apologies
by daielight
Summary: Spencer sends Emily a letter, and for once its the person behind the pen with the largest chance of getting hurt.
1. Chapter 1

**This is supposed to be set after 3x12. I've only seen about 4 episodes from season 3 though, so I apologize for any mistakes in continuity with the show.**

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Dear Emily,

_I don't want to start with saying I'm sorry. Although I will, because I think that will make you more likely to read the rest of this letter - and it is very important to me that you do. Though this isn't the start of the letter anymore._

_I met you what feels like forever ago. We've been beside each other through some really terrible things, some really wonderful things, and some things that I would rather not remember. I don't want to lose you, Em. Not over something like this._

_All these threats we've been getting, and these things we've been doing to try to keep each other safe. I wish I could blame this on someone else. I wish I could tell you this had nothing to do with me. But it does. It's all my fault, and no one else's. I messed up, and I've hurt you. Hurt Aria and Hanna too, come to think of it, because we are a team, and one of us does not go down without the rest of us. _

_I know you were happy. I also know I royally fucked up. You deserve a better friend then me. I should have helped you be happy instead of doubting you, or doubting your ability to judge character. I was wrong._

_I've been paranoid since this all started, we all have been. Just, me the most. My mind travels so fast, and I just can't stop it sometimes. We're always running to keep up with everything that's happening. Always moving in this endless web of fear and mistrust. How can you blame me for tripping up?_

_No. You can blame me. The point of this letter is not to relieve me of guilt, rather to burden you with forgiveness. No, not burden. _

_I think you're amazing Emily. Have I ever told you that? You're fearless and kind and forgiving. You make other people's lives so much richer. You bring out the best in all of us. I just wanted to protect you. I didn't want to lose you. _

_I didn't want the light in my life to get snuffed out. _

_I didn't want you to fade into the land of memory. Though it seems like now you just might. Fade out of my life, that is. Not get snuffed out._

_I have something I need to tell you. Apart from the apologies and the excuses. I need you to understand something._

_This is hard. I'm scared of what might happen if I tell you this. This is so, so difficult._

_Imagine a large gaping space here, Em. Imagine endless expanses of white. That's all I can see. _

_That and the disappointment on your face._

_Your face._

_Your beautiful, beautiful face._

_I want to hold you. I want to hold you and not stop holding you until all that terrible stuff goes away. I want you to be safe, and happy. But I want you to be safe and happy with me. I know that sounded strange, so please hear me out. Maybe I should have started with that. It seems now like more of a hook than the roundabout mess up there. Anyways._

_I don't know when it started, but I know that it had to have started a long time ago. Feelings like this don't just appear overnight. But it seems like they can get shaken out from wherever they were hiding overnight. Maybe I'm getting shaken out too, because I can't stop thinking about you._

_I just sit here, or pace, or stare out the window, and all I can think of is how much I want to be near you. How much I want to hear your voice, or feel your touch. _

_Or touch you. _Feel_ you._

_I want you to know that I'm sorry for accusing Paige of wanting to hurt you. I know better now. I know she loves you, and would do anything to protect you. _

_But Emily, I want you to know that what I just said about Paige? The same goes for me. And not just the protecting you part. The loving you part as well. And I know we all love each other, because we're friends. But I love you. I love you in a way that I am just realizing. And I'm not sorry I didn't realize it sooner, because it would have hurt just as much. I'm just sorry that I didn't understand that what I was doing would hurt the both of us. I wasn't supportive of you. I didn't trust you. I thought I knew better than anyone else._

_Turns out I didn't know a whole hell of a lot._

_I didn't know that when we thought you could really, really be dead, a part of me would wake up from wherever it's been hiding and make everything that much clearer. _

_I love you Em. I love you, and I am so, so sorry._

_You deserve friends who are going to be strong, and protect your best interests and know when to stop. Not friends riddled with a jealousy that they aren't even able to recognize. _

_I want you to forgive me. And I want you._

_I want you here with me, so I can hold you, and know that you are safe from harm, and that you forgive me. And I want you to love me too. To feel the way I feel, and to want to hold me just as much as I want to hold you._

_So I will say again, I'm sorry Emily._

_Sincerely,_

_Spencer Hastings_

Emily doesn't know what to do when she finishes the letter. She's sitting at her desk, her room dark except for the dim light coming in from the street. The letter is clutched in her hands like it might disappear, and her gaze is fixated on the gentle curve of Spencer's scrawl. The slope of her name.

The low thrum of familiar voices comes from downstairs, warm and comforting, startling Emily from the depths of her thoughts, bringing her back to the present. She gets up quickly, adjusting her shirt as she glances out the window, preparing herself to re-join the world downstairs.

Her hands move almost involuntarily, and before she knows it she is crushing the paper in her left hand and tossing it into her trash bin.

She has to stop at the doorway to wipe the tears from her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**OK, so thank you all so much for the feedback. I hope this is a satisfying conclusion :)**

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"Hey Em," Aria lowers herself into the seat across from Emily carefully. They're seated in the cafeteria, the world bustling around them. "You doing OK?"

"Yeah, fine," Emily responds, exhaling and pushing her tray away from her. The food lays untouched between them, and Aria's face contorts in a frown.

"Seriously Em, what's up?" Aria leans forward, worry still etched in her face. "We've been through some scary stuff before, and you've never acted like this…"

"I said I was fine Aria. Please, just leave it alone?"

Aria nods, taking in the cold desperation in Emily's face. "It's just hard, when you shut us out like this. We're supposed to be a team, and we can't be a team when you won't talk to us." A short pause, then, "We're all going to Hanna's tonight. She needs some support."

Emily nods, eyes shifting in and out of meeting Aria's gaze. "I'll be there." With that, Emily gets up, grabbing her bag and leaving Aria sitting alone at the table. She weaves through the throngs of people, eyes fixed on the ground. She'd not sure where she's headed, but the ability to move _away_ from the prying eyes of her friend is a relief.

She ends up in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror and gripping the basin of the sink with white-knuckled hands. Her eyes are still fixed downward, now gazing down the drain and into thin darkness. A quick intake of breath, and she shakes herself out of her stupor, removing her hands from the sides of the sink and turning on the tap.

Cold water runs over her fingers, and once again Emily falls into the realms of her thoughts.

Because right now her mind seems to be the only place she's able to exist. No matter how confusing it may be.

She's known Spencer for years. Been friends with her, admired her, felt respect for her. Been hurt by her. Spencer is such a huge part of her life, Emily can't imagine life without her. But she's also stuck in this knowledge that she can't quite imagine what life would be like _with _her. Holding her, touching her.

It's confusing.

Like it was confusing when she was falling in love with Alison. But also so much different than that, because she knows who she is now. She knows that the feelings she harbors for girls aren't wrong, and that she is OK just as she is. She's solid in these realizations; happy and content with them. But that letter had shaken something from her.

Fear.

Because whenever she loved someone, the universe had a crazy way of destroying them. And Emily couldn't bear the thought of someone destroying Spencer. She couldn't bear the thought of being the reason for Spencer's pain.

"Hey."

Emily starts, pulling her hands out from the stream of water and jerking her gaze to meet the eyes of the person standing behind her.

She nods sharply in greeting, turning to face the other girl.

"Emily-" Spencer steps forward, her face contorted in sadness.

"I'm coming to Hanna's tonight," Emily declares, eyes meeting Spencer's, daring her with a quiet ferocity to come any closer.

"Oh?" Spencer freezes, then sidesteps. She reaches out to turn on the tap, and Emily follows her movement, turning to keep Spencer in view. "Well that's great. Hanna will be happy to have you there."

Emily nods, then sinks sideways, defeated. "Spence-" she begins, but the other girl cuts her off with a nervous glance.

"We can talk later." Spencer turns off the tap, shaking her hands dry as she moves swiftly towards the door.

Emily closes her eyes, exhausted by the sudden tension of the situation, and leans against the sink.

* * *

Emily pulls up in front of the Marin house equipped with a smile and a bag of assorted candies. She swings open her door, collects her bags, and makes her way to the porch. She presses the doorbell and waits, her gaze travelling across the yard and down the street, taking in the muted shapes of the dusky world around her.

Her attention is refocused when someone says her name, and she turns, still smiling.

Spencer stands in the doorway, her eyes seeming to light up at the expression on Emily's face.

"Hey Em," she greets, and steps sideways, allowing for Emily to enter the house.

Emily doesn't let the smile fall from her face until she is past Spencer, letting it finally melt into something more neutral before turning to face her friend.

"So what have I missed?" She begins conversation as Spencer leads them forward, towards the kitchen, where Aria and Hanna are seated around the kitchen table.

"Not a hell of a lot," replies Hanna, eyes flicking to Emily as her face lights up in a soft grin.

"I brought us some candy," Emily states as she procures the plastic-wrapped rainbows from her purse. She lays them out on the table carefully, then sits down in one of the empty chairs. Spencer follows her lead, then reaches forward to grab a handful of the nearest candies.

She pops one into her mouth, and Emily watches as Spencer's face puckers in response to the sharp bite of the sourness. She feels a pang of something, but shuts it out quickly, reaching instead for a collection of miniature gummy bears. Hanna and Aria follow their lead, and soon things are falling into an easy lull.

Conversation starts and stops, and the four friends find themselves comfortable for the first time in awhile.

Later, when they're seated in front of the television watching a comedic movie about nothing disguised as something, Emily gets up to find some blankets. She's out of the room and started towards the stairs when she realizes Spencer is following her.

She pauses, letting Spencer level with her before starting up the stairs to the closet with the blanket stash.

They reach the top of the stairs, and Emily hesitates, torn between completing the mission she set out on and remedying the situation between her and Spencer. She chooses the latter, and takes the turn that will lead them into Hanna's bedroom.

"Emily-" Spencer starts, eyes trained on Emily as she closes the door softly behind them.

"No, Spence. It's my turn to talk," Emily said, stepping towards Spencer.

Spencer nods, holding her ground as Emily steps forward.

"I do love you. And I always will. You're one of my _best_ friends."

Spencer nods, eyes on Emily as she continues to advance.

"And I never want to lose you. Ever. But when I fall in love with someone…" Emily trails off, lifting her hand to rest on Spencer's cheek. Spencer's eyes flutter, and she leans into the contact. Emily pauses for a moment, taking in the sight of her friend standing in front of her. Emily's thumb moves almost involuntarily, and now she's stroking Spencer's cheek.

"When I fall in love with someone…" she starts again, but can't bring herself to continue. Spencer looks so vulnerable there, wither her eyes fixed on Emily's, waiting for the blow to be delivered. "They get hurt. Or they die."

Spencer looks away from her sadly, and Emily feels the swell of emotion pooling within her ribcage. "I can't have anything happen to you. I can't have you love _me_."

Spencer's eyes have flicked back to hers now, and the vulnerability has disappeared. Understanding seeps its way across her features, and she looks at Emily with a deep sadness.

"I'm not going anywhere," Spencer whispers, bringing her hand up to cover Emily's.

Then, before Spencer can register what is happening, Emily is kissing her.

It doesn't last long. Not as long as either of them would have liked. But they still have things to say to each other, and blankets to retrieve for their friends waiting downstairs.

Spencer rests her forehead on Emily's, a small smile playing at her lips. But its Emily who cracks first, her mouth stretching into a wide grin and her eyes lighting up.

They stay like that for a few moments, taking each other in and swimming in the intoxicating sense of contentment. Then they step back, a mutual movement that sends cool air sweeping across their skin.

Neither is sure what this means, but the promise of '_we'll talk later'_ resides in each of their minds, communicated through gazes and the wavering breaths they take.

They retrieve the blankets quickly, and it isn't until the bottom of the stairs that the silence is broken.

"Spencer?"

"Yeah?"

"I forgive you."

And with that they return to the living room, bodies closer together than when they left.


End file.
